True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
