There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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