He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
