My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Can you bring me the toilet please
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
