Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
