as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
