I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize