Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I have aggressive nipples.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
