Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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