Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
