I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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