My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
