I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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