It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
