The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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