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We won't sleep together?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
