Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
