remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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