THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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