Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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