He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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