After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
