turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize