So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
