I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
