I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
