now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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