I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
