so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
my shit smells like andre
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
