First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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