According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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