accomplished twins. life is a go
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Let's get the cat blown out
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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