the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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