i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
