Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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