Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
