I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i drank out of a bidet.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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