I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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