Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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