Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
