Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
