I wish I could punch you in the face.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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