I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
