Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Randomize
