Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
