i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
