At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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