This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
