I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
she pinky promised me she was 18
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
40s are totally the cure
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Randomize
