if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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