i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
