Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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