I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
