I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
