when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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