fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
